The first known elevator pitch was given approximately 40,000 years ago by a caveman named Og. He had just discovered fire and needed a way to convince his extremely skeptical, highly flammable tribe that standing near a controlled explosion was, in fact, a good idea. His original pitch went something like this:
“Warm. Good. No die.”
And it worked.
Og understood something most modern professionals do not: if you want someone to listen, you must throw out 99% of the details and keep the 1% that actually matters.
The Problem with Elevator Pitches (Besides Elevators)
The problem with most elevator pitches is that they sound like they were written by a malfunctioning corporate jargon generator. People start rambling about synergistic alignment and blockchain-adjacent ecosystems and somehow, nobody in the room has the courage to say, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, and I regret asking.”
Meanwhile, the elevator reaches its destination, the doors open, and your audience escapes into the night, forever free from your innovative, AI-powered, paradigm-shifting solution.
How to Actually Make Someone Care
Since most people will stop listening to you at the first sign of boredom, here’s how to avoid that:
- The Problem: What urgent, painful thing do you solve?
- ❌ Bad: “We provide end-to-end optimization for workflow inefficiencies.”
- ✅ Good: “We cut the time it takes to process invoices from 4 hours to 4 minutes.”
- The Benefit: What outrageous thing happens because of you?
- ❌ Bad: “Our platform enhances customer engagement.”
- ✅ Good: “We increase repeat sales by 30%—without you lifting a finger.”
- The Proof: What makes this real?
- ❌ Bad: “We leverage AI to optimize marketing funnels.”
- ✅ Good: “Nike tested this and saw a 3x conversion boost.”
Now, if you’re feeling ambitious, take these three elements and add just a pinch of cosmic inevitability.
The Cosmic Truth: You’re Always Pitching Something
Perhaps you think elevator pitches don’t apply to you. But consider this:
Every time you explain an idea, tell a story, or desperately try to get a free room upgrade on a business trip, you are making a pitch.
Even asking for a cup of tea is, in a way, an elevator pitch:
“I am proposing that, in the next two minutes, you embark on a thrilling journey to retrieve boiling water, a bag of leaves, and precisely the right amount of existential comfort.”
The only difference between a good pitch and a bad one is whether your listener is still there at the end of it.
The Final Twist: The Universe is One Big Elevator Ride
Consider this: if the universe is, in fact, expanding, then technically we are all inside an elevator ride right now. And if that’s the case, then every conversation you’ve ever had has been an elevator pitch of sorts—an attempt to be understood before the doors open, and the moment passes forever.
So take every chance to practice. Because one day, you’ll step into an actual elevator, turn to someone who can change your life, and have 15 seconds to make it count.
This reflection is part of The Deductionists—a league of legendary thinkers unraveling the paradoxical. Because if we don’t question it, who will?
🎙 Hear more irreverent insights on The Deductionists Podcast—available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and anywhere you get your podcasts.
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